I am a survivor of Carlson’s Crypt 2007 and let me tell you it was definitely worth the trip. I recently returned to the Crypt and had the pleasure, one sunny afternoon, of talking with the old guy, Mr. Fred E. Cobb, who lives at the farm where Carlson’s Crypt is located, Just 3 miles west of Smyrna and only 22 miles from Downtown Grand Rapids.
“It’s the year 2008”, says Farmer Fred E. Cobb, “and last year we introduced thousands of souls, err, I mean people, to our farm. Mostly, he told me, it was to confirm his suspicions about what his sister was up to. You know that witch, the old hag, she torments and heckles everyone before she coaxes them into the woods. “All those poor folks,” continued Cobb, as he shook his head and stared blankly at the woods.
“Oh sure a few of the unsuspecting souls, like yourself, managed to emerge from the darkness but what about all the lost souls that didn’t come out, and, where’s their bones?” he sighed a heavy sigh and looked up at me, “Say, didn’t you have a girlfriend last year? I remember you!” he chuckled, “You were the crybaby worried about his girlfriend! See, it’s like I told ya, some leave cryin’, some leave wet from pee in their pants and some don’t leave at all. Like yer girlfriend. I think you left cryin’ and wet.” his laugh got creepy as I slowly backed away from him. Perhaps I could find his sister, I thought to myself. Farmer Cobb was right my girlfriend is lost in the Crypt and I was hoping to find her. But I can clearly see, it’s not going to be easy. This year there’s twice the terror and twice the darkness because the 2008 Night Maize, and Haunted Trail are twice as long.
The Night Maize is 15 acres of the tallest corn I have ever been in. Oh sure, they give you a flashlight and say it’s not haunted. Everyone comes out, eventually. I witnessed a fog last year that made innocent maize walkers act pretty weird, almost possessed. All I can say is watch your back. You may not know your friends and family as well as you think you do! The corn field has a way of taking over your thoughts. Trust no one!
The Haunted Trail is a ½ mile of Screams and goes into the Swamp of Terror where ol’ Crocket lives. Farmer Cobb told me his sister is nocturnal and won’t come out to play just yet. Instead, he introduced me to a Troll that lives deep in the woods. “They are the witches pets”, Cobb tells me. The Troll I spoke to smelled like roadkill after it has been lying in the sun for a few days.
“Crockets gotta be all of 20 feet long and requires at least 2 human size feasts each day.” said the Troll, “We trolls”, he continued, “call Crockets home Blood Swamp. I highly doubt you’ll be makin’ it to the crypt‘s entrance this year. ‘Ol Crockets after you!”
“I do what I can,” interrupted Cobb, “I put up danger signs. But you’ll never be ready for this, and the smell! Well let’s just say you can’t miss it. I think it drips from the trees and it‘s a smell the trolls love so don’t get it on ya, or it won‘t be Crocket you‘ll be worrying about.” Then he tipped his hat to me and added, “Good luck, you can’t be a survivor every year.” I watched him slowly disappear into his corn field until all I could see of him were his eerie yellow eyes. Left standing alone I quickly discovered that the only way out of the bloody swamp is to cross the bridges that lead you straight to the entrance of the crypt. To make things worse I had no idea where the Troll had gone and the trees were dripping wet. I was alone, yet I could feel a thousand eyes piercing my flesh. I couldn’t help but wonder if any of them belonged to what used to be my girlfriend.
The Crypt is truly a place for dead souls, some of them Crocket’s victims I suspect. The screams are real and can be heard clear out in the Night Maize. Take this warning now! Once inside unspeakable danger exists and you may never leave. As I navigate my way thru the last of the trail I struggle to catch my breath. Intense fear grips me as I approach the entrance of the crypt. It’s very dark. Even during the day and you can here the screams inside. Mr. Cobb sneaks up on me and scares the bajesies out of me. “I stick to my corn field where it’s safe”, says Cobb with a chuckle. Then under his breath he whispers, “Where the zombies are under my control.”
What did he just say! Did you here that! I franticly look around for anyone else who could have heard what he just said. But I was the only “living” soul around. I thought he was a good guy. At least he used to be, before his simple farm was eaten alive by the souls of yesterday and the beautiful Carlson’s farm became the terrifying Carlson’s Crypt.
Well, it’s into the crypt I go. Perhaps I’ll see you later dead or alive. But at least my girlfriend can’t say I didn’t try to save her. If you’re up to it you can try to save us, or yourself, every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights from October 2nd thru November 1st from dark to midnight. Night Maize tickets cost $6.00. Haunted Trail tickets cost $13.00. R.I.P.(really important person) combo tickets cost $15.00 (includes night maize and haunted trail). Print a coupon on line for $2.00 off an R.I.P. combo ticket. Join us September 20th and 27th from dark to midnight for preview nights when an R.I.P. combo ticket is only $10.00. No coupon necessary. Now get off your duff and mark your calendar so you won’t forget. See ya soon at Carlson’s Crypt where it’s always worth the trip.
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